Dear Ladies: It’s Not Him, It’s You

27 Sep 2012

written by Carolyn


I am really at my wits’ end with the notion that good men, as a rule, don’t approach strong, intelligent, beautiful, successful women because they’re intimidated.

Sorry, women. Some of you may take offense to what I’m about to say. But that ain’t it.

Yes, we’ve all read the articles in Glamour about oh boo hoo, so and so Supermodel claims she’s lonely and can’t get a date because men won’t talk to her. We all know that woman who seems to have it all together – looks, money, that deee-luxe apartment in the sky – except she spends every night with her Persian kitty sitting on her lap, hoping he’ll start purring and get some good vibrations going.

We’ve been in the club and watched dudes flock to Bootyneesha and Weavetta, not even glancing our way.

“But ain’t I a woman?” you may have asked yourself, once or twice, wondering why so many eyes bypassed your own quite ample  rear and the hair that actually grew out of  your own scalp.

I’m here to say – stop it.

Men are not NOT paying attention to you because of your degrees. Unless you walk around carrying them wherever you go, they don’t know you have them. Men don’t see your six- or seven-figure salary when you get out of the back of a cab. “Oh my God that well-dressed woman must be an C-level executive! Run, Forrest, run!” probably isn’t the first thing a guy thinks when he looks at you.

So why can’t you get a date? I don’t know. Are you really trying to get a date? Or are you going on social media complaining about not getting dates? There is a difference, you know.

For example, women often go out in groups, sit together at the bar or at a table in a restaurant, and expect a guy to be brave enough to withstand five pairs of withering stares while he picks one of them. Some guys will. Many of the ones you’d like to have talk to you, won’t.

Without breaking down all the reasons why the group dynamic often frustrates the goal of meeting people, I’ll simply say this: if you are a single woman, it is a lot easier to meet men when you go out by yourself. A man is much more likely to approach a woman who is sitting alone – whether it’s in the club or in a Starbucks – than he is to try to break into your group.

I’ll also say this: if you meet a guy and he loses interest in you after finding out about your job, your degrees, your homes, your penchant for international travel, etc. – those are probably not the things that drove him away. In some cases, yes – in most cases, no. More likely, there was something about you he didn’t like, or found incompatible.

That doesn’t mean you have to change. It does mean you have to keep going out there until you find someone who is a good fit with you, as you are. Someone who isn’t trying to get you to clean up your potty mouth, who doesn’t mind that you will go to Prague on a whim just because Airfarewatchdog had a good sale, or that your shoe wardrobe cost more than his car. It takes effort, but it’s possible to find someone who likes your nerdy sense of humor, your irrational love of Michigan football, or the way you drop SAT vocabulary words into everyday conversation.

Finding such a person might mean you go on a lot of one-off dates. It might mean your list of blocked callers borders on the ridiculous. It requires a huge investment in time. You may decide after a few tries that you just don’t have the time to invest in dating on that scale. Ok. Then say that. Say you’re happy with your life as it is, if that’s true. Not that men are scared of you. Because they aren’t.

Or you can just stay complaining about not having anybody. In that case, may I suggest the Hitachi Magic Wand? Its vibrations are a lot more reliable and produce more consistent results than those of a purring cat.

4 Comments on Dear Ladies: It’s Not Him, It’s You

  1. Amanda Michelle Jones

    LMAOOOOO @ this hitachi magic wand suggestion!!!

    but seriously: what about those men who are not the randoms off the street? i’ve had several men that i know tell me (at times when i was truly either unavailable or a bit inaccessible) that they have had longstanding crushes on me, etc., but they were just too shy or thought i was out of their league, etc.! and these are men that i would *totally* have dated – well, until i found out what they apparently thought of themselves in comparison to me. (that sounds cocky AF, but i hope y’all get my drift.)

  2. Carolyn

    I’ve heard this from men. And I felt the same way – dude, you might have had a shot if you had just approached me. I’ve concluded it wasn’t my fault – it was theirs. If someone is too insecure to approach you, that’s probably not someone you would want to date anyway. Sometimes it’s situational – a guy who won’t approach you in a group might approach in a quieter, one-on-one setting. Finding someone who is a good fit takes time. I’m just saying, it’s a myth that men don’t want women who are pretty, educated, funny, etc. Some don’t, but a lot do.

  3. Brenda

    Love this! Great post. I have some friends who seem to think they’ll meet their next great love by osmosis. It takes work on both sides.

  4. Ingrid Prescott

    “Dear Ladies: It’s Not Him, It’s You”…AMEN!!! I am a new follower and I am disappointed that I just saw this post (You and I met at Robin’s holiday party). You are so right and on point. The majority of my female friends are very successful, with advance degrees from the top Ivies. They complain that most men find them to be intimidating, and are non-approachable. The truth of the matter is that they act like a female warden with a very aggressive persona. Ya think that is why you’re still single, and never married…My advice to them is, “if you don’t take your breast out and breast feed a man, you will never understand a man, let alone lock on down. ;o)

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