As some of you know, I’m working on a memoir. I should say, I’m working on working on a memoir, because that’s how far away I am from anything that closely resembles a completed manuscript.
Given how much I talk about relationships on this blog, it should be no surprise that relationships are a big focus of the memoir-to-be. In sorting through which stories to include and which ones to excise from my brain forever, I’ve had some fun thinking about the best – or worst – of the rest.
Do I include the story about the guy I thought was my boyfriend, the one with the fiance he hid from me for weeks? What about the wealthy African who told me his family would never accept me? Does the married man who told me God sent him to me to teach me how a man is supposed to treat a woman merit a mention?
And what of the almost-relationships, the bullets I dodged? I think about guys like “The Screamer,” who was so terrible in bed, he made me angry. His screaming was legendary, even if his performance was not.
Of course, the king of my bad relationship past is my ex. I can’t truly regret that relationship, because two wonderful children were born from it. Truthfully, I’m grateful for all of the bad relationships and the lessons I learned – and the laughs – from each one. I had good moments with the worst of them, and bad moments with the best.
The point really isn’t labeling the men of my past as good or bad. I chose them all. As I write the stories I’ve chosen to include, I’m focusing on what led me to make the choices I made, and what I learned from each choice. Identifying the lesson each person brought with him and determining whether or not I received the wisdom I needed to receive from each encounter is much more difficult than labeling and finger-pointing, but it’s the only way to grow.
I’m no longer ashamed of my ratchet relationship past. Letting go of the shame and guilt freed me to fully examine each situation on its own merits. Letting go of who I thought I was or should have been has allowed me to grow towards becoming the woman I actually want to be.
So celebrate your own ratchet relationship past. Tell stories about the best of the worst over cocktails (pause). Better yet, mine those stories for their entertainment and teaching value. Someone who hasn’t yet gotten to a point of acceptance with their own past will be very glad you did.
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