![woman whispering MP900427673[1]](http://carolynedgar.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/woman-whispering-MP9004276731-904x300.jpg "woman whispering MP900427673[1]")
My friend Melissa Chapman, founder of the brilliant blog Married My Sugar Daddy (I am honored to be a contributor), posed this question recently on Twitter:
“Do you confess everything to your husband (partner/spouse/significant other)?”
My response was a resounding “Hell no!” But that wasn’t always the case.
I used to confess everything. In each new relationship, I would give a full download of all of the men who had gone before, including talking way too much about the one who got away who could still come back on his white horse and sweep me off my feet. Each new boyfriend had to know everything – including the island flings, practically down to where and with whom I’d learned every trick I knew.
I didn’t stop with relationships. I confessed when I felt insecure and what or who made me feel insecure. I told him which of his women friends I was jealous of, and which of my women friends I’d seen giving him the eye. I told him about my own male friends or co-workers who were my secret crushes. I confessed when I screwed up at work, and when I didn’t think I had what it took to succeed in my profession.
It is safe to say this was not a winning relationship strategy. More often than not, the information I so generously shared was used against me. Spilling about my crushes convinced him I was cheating. Telling him, “I’ll be so hurt if you ever sleep with Rosemary” was practically a guarantee that he was going to sleep with Rosemary. My work failures, as well as my insecurities about my looks and my weight, were used to hurt me in arguments. Rather than strengthening my relationships, all that confessing raised doubts that weakened the bonds and ultimately destroyed them.
So I don’t confess anymore. I do believe relationships require vulnerability and sharing in order to grow. But you don’t come out the gate that way. My error wasn’t in sharing some of the information I shared – it was in sharing before I was certain I could trust my partner.
Some of that information, though? Never again. Why tell a dude that Girl X is checking you out and that her checking you out bothers you? He probably already knows. If he’s with you, he’s also decided he’s not interested.
Similarly, why tell your guy that some dude from the past could still get it under the right set of circumstances? Or that your crush friend is really the man you’ll turn to for comfort sex as soon as your guy messes up? All that oversharing may just make him trust you less.
There’s nothing wrong with sharing about your own personal insecurities, BUT…(1) it’s your job – not your mate’s – to overcome them; and (2) don’t go sharing how insecure you are until you know – not think, not hope, but know – you can trust this person with that information.
In my current relationship, I’ve shared information that sheds light on who I am, what matters to me and how I view the world. I’ve asked him questions to determine the same. But I haven’t asked for a play-by-play of his past relationships, nor has he asked that of me. We haven’t talked sleep numbers, and I doubt we ever will. He doesn’t know the name of my work or Twitter crushes, and it’s not important for him to know. And our relationship is better for it.
There’s a difference between sharing and confessing. It’s a difference of degree, but the distinction makes a difference. Sharing relevant information about yourself with someone you trust is good. Confessing implies you’ve done something wrong. Remember the difference as you navigate through your own relationships.
December 7th, 2011
*raises hand* Yes, I’m a card-carrying member of Oversharers’ Anonymous as well. I believed full disclosure was the only way to truly build long-term intimacy. I was wrong and I’m now cured.
As my Aunt Violet used to say – the problem with airing dirty laundry is that it smells as bad it looks. So now I share what is important and if asked a direct question, I will answer. Otherwise I’m now Team #TakingItToTheGrave.
December 7th, 2011
I am also side-eyeing men who claim they want to know everything. They want to know right up until you tell them.
December 7th, 2011
Very good read.
The point about sharing before you’re even sure if you can trust the person is crucial. I’m a “share as we go” person. As I spend more time with the person and feel comfortable providing more information, I will. They don’t need to know the ins and outs of my past from the jump…unless they think there will be a conflict of interest (i.e. I used to date her friend Bombqueesha in college).
I’m also not one to ask a lot of questions like the ones you mentioned in the post. When it comes to past relationships, I’m much more “if i don’t ask, then don’t tell.” (unless you were doing the ceiling fan trick with one of my frat brothers that I see every month at the chapter meeting.)
December 7th, 2011
love this post.
i have always been a classic over-sharer. much like you used to do, i’d share my history about exes, (though never about sex) and random internal dialogue that should’ve stayed where it was. until it was used against me at one point, i never really thought it was a big deal.
now, i have a filter. realizing that your partner doesn’t need to know EVERYTHING to truly know you was a hard lesson learned. lol. i still struggle with being “too honest” at times, but i definitely now know what to share and what to keep to myself.
no greater unnecessary annoyance than having an argument about something you regret sharing.
December 7th, 2011
I have a feeling this “Oversharers’ Anonymous” group is pretty big, yet we still need more to join. I thought being upfront and open about the past was “big of me”. Like Chele, I am now cured.
“I am also side-eyeing men who claim they want to know everything. They want to know right up until you tell them.”…Amen to this! And the ones who don’t repulsively react to your confessions will eventually be “used to hurt me in arguments.”
Great post Carolyn!
December 7th, 2011
I don’t want to know and I don’t tell. What was before doesn’t matter as long as its over and some secrets need to stay secret. Nothing can ruin a good relationship quicker then ‘full disclosure’.
December 7th, 2011
I shared with the ex. She used it against me. Lesson learned. Need to know from here on out.
This dude right here? I don’t to know everything. There’s time for all of that.
December 7th, 2011
Unfortunately, what you say can and will be used against you is as true in relationships as it is in law. Need to know basis is the best policy.
December 13th, 2011
I am now of the opinion that if you weren’t there when it happened, you just missed out. I have shared far more than I should have in the past and now lean towards just keeping my mouth shut unless asked a direct question…
December 13th, 2011
Couldn’t agree more.