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An Open Letter to Men Who Complain About Child Support

04 Dec 2011

written by Carolyn

singlemom

Dear men who complain about paying child support because she’s taking “your” money & spending it on “herself”:

Ask yourselves this: other than paying child support, what else are you doing for your kid?

How many times have you taken your kid to school and picked him up? Talked to his teachers about how he’s doing, socially & academically? How much homework do you help with? Do you know the names of his best friend, his best friends’ parents, the little girl he has a crush on, the kid he hates? How many playdates do you supervise every week? How many field trips have you chaperoned?

How many nights have you rushed home from work, exhausted, and then had to get dinner on the stove? Where are you when Johnny is asking a million questions while you’re trying to get him off to bed so you can take care of your own responsibilities, like paying the bills, or doing some laundry?

When was the last time you got to use the bathroom in peace, without having your child walk in on you? How many nights has your child gotten out of his bed and crawled into yours because he was having nightmares and couldn’t sleep?

How many doctors’ appointments have you taken him to? How many times have you left your job because he suddenly spiked a fever at school, or had an asthma attack and forgot his inhaler? How many nights have you spent with him in the pediatric ER because he fell, or started throwing up, or just didn’t look right and your instincts said, get him to a doctor right away?

Any system can be abused. Just as not all dads are deadbeats, some mothers are selfish and spend every dime that comes their way on themselves – whether on their appearance, their new man, or their drug habit. If that describes your situation, your child is in danger and you owe it to your child to alert the authorities. If you’re in a position to provide better care, you owe it to your child to seek custody.

The abusers exist, but they are not representative of most women who receive child support. I cringe when I hear comments like, “I pay for my kid and every time I see her, her hair and nails are tight.” If she works or has another source of income, what makes you think she’s spending “your” child support money on her hair and nails? Is she not supposed to be groomed? Would you prefer to see her with chipped nails and a raggedy weave, just so you know she’s not spending a dime of that support check on herself?

Courts split responsibility for taking care of the child’s financial needs between the parents according to income, per a predefined formula. In cases where the child’s father makes more than the mother, courts will expect him to carry the lion’s share of the financial burden. When she makes more money – as is increasingly the case with African-American couples – she bears most of the burden. And yet, even in those cases, men still complain about paying the tiny portion the court deems to be their fair share. They’ll say, “she makes enough to take care of the kids. She don’t need my money.” To the selfish bastards who think like that, I say – grow up.

A lot of men resent the fact that child support goes towards expenses like rent and utilities, as if a child doesn’t also need a safe, warm place to live. If a mother is spending $500 per month to take care of your child, and you contribute $200, that means she contributed $300. If she happens to also spend $200 on her hair, that does not necessarily mean she’s spending “your” $200 on her hair. It may mean that, thanks to your contribution, she has some income left over to treat herself to hair appointments. So? Who’s clocking what you do with the rest of your money that isn’t going towards child support? Oh. Once you pay child support, it’s not your money anymore. Let it go.

And men, unless you are a wealthy celebrity, please stop talking about celebrity child support awards. Men get shook when celebrities are hit with large child support orders. They argue the woman – no matter who she is, whether one night stand groupie or wife of many years – is a “gold digger” who “don’t need all that” to raise a child. You can look at it as a windfall or some kind of groupie Lotto all you want to, but if he didn’t want to pay, he should have used protection. By and large, celebrities pay their child support without complaint. When Diddy had an issue with his child support order, he didn’t go to the barber shop and trash his baby’s mom. He did what he was supposed to do – he went to court and asked for an equitable adjustment. If you feel like you’re paying more than your fair share, you can do the same.

Parenting is more than having the local child support office garnish your paycheck. If you’re not doing your share of the heavy lifting – if the only thing you contribute to your child’s life is that monthly or biweekly check – please shut the entire hell up about what the mother of your children “does” with that child support check.


70 Comments on An Open Letter to Men Who Complain About Child Support

  1. Ms. Smart

    All of this! It turns my stomach. It also sickens me to hear everything you’ve written come out of the mouths of men’s mothers, sisters, significant others, and spouses.

  2. Trap

    Most fathers can’t even get custody of their children.

  3. Carolyn

    And how many of them try – instead of just assuming they’ll never get custody, so why bother?

  4. Carolyn

    You make a good point. It’s not just men who say this, but women, too. When the celebrity support orders are publicized, often women complain the loudest. It all rests on a fundamental misunderstanding of what child support is intended to be used for.

  5. Ginnette Powell @caffeinehusky

    so true, I never received child support as a single parent so hats off to the women who do/did…

    We didn’t get pregnant by ourselves….

  6. mrseven65

    As a single father who pays child support…I totally agree with this.
    The women who abuse the system are the exception and too often I hear men speak as if they’re the rule…

  7. Andrea Harvey

    This blog articulates so well the views of many single parents, particularly mothers. I am a family law attorney and while I try not to get emotionally involved, in such a high stress area it is inevitable. I cannot tell you how many fathers say similar things in court. It’s amazing that they cannot see beyond the monetary amount. Which compared to the every day life of raising a child on your own is minimal. Then the fathers who stop working to take themselves off “paper” so you can’t garnish their wages. As if suddenly if the court can’t garnish their wages the child doesn’t have a need anymore. And granted I’ve represented men as well so it’s not just women. Thank you thank you thank you for this!!!

  8. Carolyn

    Andrea, you are quite welcome. It infuriates me when I hear men – and as Ms. Smart pointed out, women – saying these things. I don’t understand men who refuse to contribute even a token amount to the care of their children.

  9. Mark Robinson

    It is understandable, but unfortunate, that when a relationship ends there is a “generosity deficit” between the two former partners. It’s immature but it’s real. What is inexcusable and unforgivable, however, is the willingness to let a child – YOUR CHILD – suffer because you have developed hard feelings toward a former lover. I don’t understand the thinking, or lack of thinking, that guides this behavior.

    Fatherhood is the single most important thing in my life, easily eclipsing any professional accomplishments as well as my (still) very happy 29 year marriage. Not every man gets the chance to be a father. My brother would make a great father, but is likely never to get the opportunity. But too many men are given the privilege of fatherhood and fail (miserably) to live up to the (appropriately) high standard it requires. And in divorce children suddenly lose their identity as precious, fragile human beings and become game pieces on a toxic chessboard.

    I am grateful that I have never had to confront the emotional shitstorm of divorce. I hope I never do. And I hope that I would have sufficient love in my heart to treat my former spouse with respect and compassion. But one thing that I know for sure, without any equivocation, the word “former” would never apply to my children or my relationship with them.

  10. Carolyn

    I love your comment, Mark. I wish more fathers felt this way.

  11. The Jaded NYer

    AMEN! This piece was everything and more!

    I’ve been fortunate enough to have an amicable and somewhat equitable co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, but every time I have to witness some grimy chatter on social networking sites I force myself to log off before I explode.

  12. Tania

    I love this post! I think I may need to forward it to my ex not that it would stop any complaining :/

  13. Leah

    Great post! Additionally, I would add that child support payments are not punishment. They are a contract. A custodial parent who is receiving payments is not “punishing” the other parent. Rather, they have simply entered into an arrangement that have been deemed the most beneficial to the children (or child). Too many men (and maybe a few women) think that their payments are a way for their ex to screw them and instead, should let go of their petty disputes and focus on what the child’s needs are.

  14. Felicia

    Thanks for articulating the plight of single parents and the complaining non-custodials who whine and moan about how “their” money should be spent. Like you said so eloquently, parenting is a 24/7 job with no holidays or comp time. It is not possible to take off your parenting responsibilities like a jacket – and there’s much more to taking care of Junior than just food, shelter and clothing. That too many “b*tch is taking MY money!” non-custodial dads simply don’t get that is mind-boggling.

  15. Samuel Reynolds

    Very fair. You argue for personal agency for all involved and fairness.

  16. Shari

    What about those Dad’s who not only complain about paying child support but have a hard time making their visitation days. Why is it okay for men to just walk away, wash their hands from their children and responsibilities and start a new life?

    More importantly – why would they even want to?

    I saw my ex- brother in law do it to my nephews. It was truly heartbreaking. Especially when he took his ‘new family’ to Disney and didn’t bring my nephews. He has never taken them anywhere outside of the county they live in.

    What a pathetic excuse of a human being.

  17. Caroletta

    I once told my ex that I wish my employer could pay me with child support dollars because no matter how small the amount, those dollars are able to stretch in amazing ways so that not only was I able to get my hair and nails done but I was also able to buy plane tickets & a whole house! Lol!

  18. Carolyn

    Hilarious! I wish we all could get paid in child support dollars, then!

  19. kate

    This article hits home. My husband has a child from a previous marriage and we have a child. He sends his ex child support monthly. The money he sends is NOT court ordered. His ex doesn’t want or let him have contact/a stable relationship with his child. She just wants a check, which I think is wrong. In addition he pays money for his child directly (food, clothes, etc.) and it’s like that doesn’t exist…She is just worried about “her check”. The ex frequently refuses to let him care/see/talk to his daugther when he calls frequently, cries, and begs. Whenever the ex decides it’s okay their daugther will call or spend time with us (which is hardly ever). It’s her game and we are the “pawns”. When the daugther is with us she doesn’t want to go back to live with her mother, but according to the “courts” we don’t have a choice. His daugther’s mother doesn’t want his daugther to have a relationship with her dad, her brother, or me. It breaks my heart and seems immature! Then she tells him he is a bad dad and doesn’t support his child!!! That is crazy! He is a great guy…total family man. If it was up to my husband and me his daugther would live with us. We are concerned about the best interest of the child because she has always lived with her mother and we don’t think “taking her” is necessarliy best. However, we are worried because currently the mother is dating two men and one of them is in prison so when/if he gets out that will be a safety concern. ALso, the mother goes out to clubs and bars all the time and doesn’t spend much time with their daugther at all. However, she has a great job (she went to school for years while my husband worked to support her and their child) and the ex’s family has a lot of money. It is sad when people think the DAD is automatically in the wrong. It’s very expensive to support 2 children and to additionally hire an attorney to fight for your kid(s). Also, going to court can be a strain on the child. Sometimes it’s difficult to know what steps to take legally and when to try to “work it out”. My husband pleads with his ex to try and work together because we don’t think fighting is what’s best for his little girl. Child support and custody are very complex matters and I hate that people think the dad is always in the wrong. I know a lot of dad’s who support and care for their kids without a mother in the picture and the mother has taken them to court to get child support. I am tired of the generalizations among random people, mothers, judges, etc. against men saying they are “dead beat dads” when that isn’t the case at all.

  20. KC

    I’m glad that I personally know 3 men, who have custody of their children. If being responsible were a disease – I wish it would spread!

  21. Mark

    I have been paying child support for seven years and have not missed a payment. I recently gained custody of my oldest son and when I asked the mother to return the support payments for the oldest so I can take care of him properly she wouldn’t do it. Now that I am suing her for child support she wants to talk. I don’t want to hear that men don’t care about their children. A lot of men do care but the system is prejudiced agaisnt men. The rules need to be changed and updated to reflect the times we live in.

  22. Carolyn

    The only way to change the system is to participate in it. I don’t know quite what you mean about rules needing to change to reflect the times we live in. The notion that the system is biased against men may be true in some cases, but in your case, the system appears to be providing you the remedies you need. Now that you have custody of your oldest son, the proper next step in the process is to seek an adjustment of your support order, which you said you are doing. You don’t have to talk to the mother. Let the courts handle it.

  23. Carolyn

    I specifically said in the post that not all men are deadbeat dads. People say the system is biased against men, without availing themselves of the relief offered by the courts. Your husband needs a formal child support order, which protects him as much as it does the mother. He should not just be handing his ex money, especially if he is not keeping records of what he pays to help support his child. Separately, your husband is entitled to visitation rights to his child. If his ex is denying him access, he should also go to court to seek a formal visitation order, or even, in this case, custody, especially if he has proof that his ex is being abusive or that his child is being raised in a dangerous environment. The child should not have to go to court unless the child is old enough to and wants to have a say in the matter. Child support and custody are two different things and at least in New York, are handled by different parts of the Family Court. I wish you and your husband the best in dealing with your situation.

  24. Namebeverly angermeier

    i am on the side of the fathers. when it comes to kids and fathers the mothers are always the good one and the dad is always the bad one according to the so-called justice system.when it comes to the law and fathers the fathers have no say in anything that goes on. and as far as child support goes. the state takes them away then they should fork over money to support them. they have a ton of money!!!!!! stop putting down dads!!!! if dads could support there kids i am sure they would but look at the economy no jobs out there!!!!!! get ti throuhg your heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Carolyn

    Oh. So you’re on the side of the fathers who don’t pay child support and complain about “the system,” against mothers who take care of the kids’ physical, emotional and spiritual needs and just ask that fathers contribute what they are able? OK. Good for you.

  26. MG

    Child support is often uneven, the problem is not always money. It’s power and control, period. Bad mothers are harder to identify than bad dads. You could have a million playdates, have your hair done and still be a horrible parent.
    The entire system needs yo be revamped, but it wont because men,don’t have a lobby and for some woman what is fair is what you can get.
    Do the children need nikes and xboxes?
    Do they benefit from see either parent scrape by?
    No one really cares about the children, we only care about having the upper hand.
    So you’ll hear gripes on both sides, you’ll see abuses on both sides…what you may not have noticed is that our children, families and communities have lost.

  27. Carolyn

    In many ways, of all the comments I’ve read on this post, yours is the most troubling. I don’t believe for one second that “no one” cares about the children. The behavior of a fractional few – those who want Nikes and Xboxes instead of food and clothing – representative of the whole. I disagree and find that type of cynicism disappointing.

  28. Margaret

    My husband has custody of his 2 children and so does his step-brother. So more men today is getting custody.

  29. Obasi

    this article is extremely uncritical of women and very oversimplistic. There are many men who are fighting for their children and it has absolutely nothing to do with child support. Payments for support of children is often not the issue at all. I am also doing research on this very area because emotion would make the same argument as this article. However, there is another side.

    There are men who fight for their children, never miss a child support payment and still have very limited access to their children. Some emotional women seek child support as a means of control over the situation with the children. They are so emotionally and socially bankrupt in relation to their ex-significant other, that the only way to “get even” is through the court. Realistically, many men would pay child support absent being drug through a system that is unforgiving of a horrible economy or low job prospects. Some women are as, if not more, shallow than the men you discuss in your article, but you never speak to them or even attempt to offer an even toned analysis of a very real issue. This article does a disservice to the ills of broken families, not to mention being wildly dishonest. Before these types of articles are written, a little research would be in order.

  30. Carolyn

    This is an open letter to men not women. It is also focused on child support, not custody, which your comment recognizes to be distinct. I do not profess to be an expert, but I’m also not as uninformed as your comment seems to think I am. Since your comments are focused on custody and I am talking about child support, there is little more to say beyond thank you for reading.

  31. LAH

    I’ve read and re-read some of the comments just to make sure I wasn’t missing something. While your article is about the child support piece of the puzzle (and it is a very complex puzzle), the whole (support, visitation and relationship) must be considered. Yes there is a set formula that they use. And yes the laws need to be revamped.
    I don’t question how the money is spent because in the end my daughters are being cared for. The formula that you spoke of goes on the premise that if “we” were together this is what the child would be receiving from our combined income. However, at the end of the year, if “we” were together I would be able to reap some of the benefits by being able to use it when I filed my income taxes – which is not the case (I assume that’s what Mark is referring to).
    Your article starts out dealing with visitation/relationship issues (essentially the first four paragraphs), thus those things have to be considered. The VA court system told me that my daughter’s mom could inform me what the doctor(s) had to say. Now while I no longer live in VA and haven’t for quite some time. I drive the hours (through the tolls), paying for gas, feeding and usually buying gift(s) so that my children know that daddy loves them. The courts say I have to make the entire trip both ways. I don’t get to claim any of those expenses either.

  32. Joy

    I often encourage my to clients to have shared custody. With shared custody a parent may pay zero or minimal child support, depending on incomes, in NJ. Most important, they will have equal parenting time.
    New Wives/husbands and/or girlfriends/boyfriends should let the parents resolve their issues themselves. Dont criticise the Ex. Two sides to a story. Your sweetheart may have been someone else’s monster.
    There is no sum of money that can compensate the custodial parent to care for a child!

  33. ivette

    Well, my husband and I do all of the above forhis daughter , her mother put him on CS because I took her to get a haircut, which by the way I paid for!! And she got many compliments from our family…he was paying $635@ month!!! And he still has to buy her clothing and other stuff!! While her mother is on welfare ,food stamps , section 8, only works a few months out of the year so she can claim unemployment and collect tax refund in January ….plus she had another daughter with someone else and has that man on Cs also….is ridiculous how some women could go to court and collect what ever money they want just because they dont want to work !!!!

  34. ivette

    oh and I forgot to point out that this child was born out of wedlock and as the result of a one night stand !!!

  35. Carolyn

    I applaud your husband for paying child support. The child didn’t ask to be here and didn’t choose her parents or the circumstances of her birth. Perhaps the child’s mom is trifling, but it sounds like your husband has embraced his daughter and his parental responsibilities, and I’m happy to hear that.

  36. ivette

    He so has definitely !! I love the little girl to death !! But her mom is soooo difficult to dear with! She should be glad my hubby is the way he is….

  37. Carolyn

    The mom should be thankful for both your husband and you too. She probably isn’t yet. But I believe she’ll see what a blessing you both are, in time. Thank you for sharing your story.

  38. Jim

    I’m a single dad and I’m all for child support that’s needed. My ex ran off with a dentist (married him this year), lives in a $600,000 house that is pretty nice in upstate NY including an inground pool and hot tub. On the flip side, I live paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford the rent on a small 80 yr old home. I’m more involved with my kids than she is, I run to the school when they are sick (she’s a teacher but says she can’t get off work), I take them to the doctors and dentists appointments and I do the homework with them and get their grades up. The two living with her are having trouble in school and she hasn’t worked on their homework all school year. I do that. She doesn’t need $1,800/month in child support but she gets it since 2 of our 3 kids live with her. Yes, I make more than she does. My third is with me because she hit him several times and has an indicated report due to that incident with social services. The system needs to look at need – not just a chart. If it’s not a punitive system, you can’t prove it by me. Signed – dad with 3 kids, one with special needs who lives with me…

  39. Vicky

    Doesn’t matter who has actual custody, as a parent ask yourself could you live on what you send your child each month? Especially true if you have more than one child. You don’t get a mutiple child discount, they can’t split a meal, medicine or shoes. Love relationships may not last forever, but your child will be your blood and legacy forever. Do you really want your child to go through life being punished because you chose the wrong person to love? Children are not stupid and by the time they grow up they know who did what, regardless of what is said.

  40. Carolyn

    Thanks, Vicky. Even if a non-custodial parent cannot afford to send enough to meet all of a child’s living expenses, he or she shouldn’t complain about having to contribute something to the child’s expenses. You are right, kids aren’t stupid and they pay attention to actions more than words.

  41. Tina

    The mothers should be held accountable for sleeping with men that they knew would not support their children yet lay down with these deadbeats!

  42. Carolyn

    It’s too bad you feel that way. Men who are deadbeats don’t usually advertise that fact, yet you’d rather blame women than the men who don’t take care of their responsibilities. Gross.

  43. Julie & Jacoby's Mom

    Hi I would like to begin a petition to stop the fathers that do not pay their child support and who owes thousands of dollars in the arrears to not be able to go into court and file a petition to modify custody. If there is anyone who had to go through this please let me know I would love to elaborate on what has transpired in my life recently and how this can be prevented from happening to single mothers who take care of their children. Words cannot explain what I have been through and is still going through all because a man does not want to pay child support but mom does whatever is needed to make sure their child has the best life.

  44. shannin

    What about the men who would have chosen to put the kid up for adoption? I know a man who found out the woman was pregnant after they broke up. He wanted nothing to do with her and would have given the baby away but because she wanted to keep it, the poor guy is serving an 18-year debt sentence. I suppose you would call him a deadbeat to.

  45. Carolyn

    Yes, I would. He should have worn a condom if he didn’t want a kid.

  46. Fred

    There are some men that DO put more than just money for their kids. Some of us DO communicate with their child on a daily basis and get to know what is going on in their world. I am one of those men. I make sure I am there for my kids 100% now what gets ME upset is I am paying child support FAITHFULLY and I have to see pictures of my 16 year old getting tattoos all over his chest and talking about popping pills. Why should I give MY hard earned money for her to give it to him for drugs and tattoos. And yeah some of u woman DO take $200 from the child support and go do your hair cause y’all just wanna sit there on public assistance instead of get a job. OH YEAH and to top it off she hasn’t let me see him in 3 years!!!!!

  47. Rick

    When my ex had custody of my two sons, I was routinly told by her that the money I was giving “isn’t s*#! to raise two boys on”. She also did not work, was claiming SSI for both of them and taking any other assistance she could get qualified for. Now that I have custody, her support obligation is less than 1/5 of what I was paying and the only time I see any of it is IF she works and IF she files a tax return. She goes months without seeing them, and when she does see them, if she asks for a week they are normally back with me in two days. I honestly do feel she viewed the kids as nothing but a source of income.

  48. Name

    THANK YOU for this post! I was a single mom for nearly 10 years. I always wanted to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, explaining away his lack citing that fact that he was a college professor who couldn’t make regular or (God forbid) significant payments (he would send about $75 every 2-3 months.) It was only after I got married (to a wonderful man), that my ex started to send even $100 (total) every quarter for our two sons — and that was AFTER my husband had a “man to man” discussion with him about his lack as a father and a man, and the role that he needed to play in our sons’ lives. Ironically, now that I’ve risen the ranks to corporate exec, he feels even less inclined to send support for our boys. Years ago when we struggled financially, I fell into the trap of feeling like I never wanted him to think that I used even a nickel of his money on myself, so I neglected me to ensure that every bit of his occasional money was spent solely on our children. At one point, my ex had the audacity to ask me if he and his new wife could claim at least one of our children on their taxes since they declare enough exemptions forcing them to owe taxes for that year. He thought that my decline of his “offer” was spiteful and was the turning point for his (limited) involvement with his sons. I could kick myself today for not having taken him to court to get the support our boys deserve. Now our second son is entering college in the fall. Despite never limiting visitation or access to them, he is less and less interested in spending time with or money on either of them. (Mind you, our oldest son is a dean’s list student at Fordham, and the younger is a high honor student coming out of hs.) Our boys resent him and at the same time, only want to know that he actually, sincerely and authentically cares about them. My ex and I both live financially comfortable lifestyles. The only ones who feel a pinch are our sons, who always feel an ever-present twinge of doubt about their father’s concern for them. I’ve never had to share their father’s lack with them; they experience his physical absence in their lives. They say folks’ attention follows their money. Maybe that’s true.

  49. Julian

    I can completely understand the vein from which you chose to write your article, however let’s be real. Most of the stuff you also mentioned is bunch of bull (i.e. how many playdates, fieldtrips etc…) that is not a reality for most black kids who find themselves in the middle of a child support issue…The facts are that most of the single women parents that request child support don’t ask for it because of the child, they ask for because it keeps them connected to everything that the father has going on in his life…and the better his life gets the crazier they act (unless things are going well on their end). When things are good on both ends they aren’t concerned about the man…but when things are bad she will do her best to see to it that both sides are in misery together. The next fact is that not only are they receiving Child Support but they are most likely receiving Food Stamps and Welfare..so yes let me feel sorry for the single mother that has to cook that free food that she gets every month in that darn near free apartment that Welfare covers…For most men Child Support is a slap in the face because the mother is telling the world that the father is not doing his part…and that’s where the real issue sits…you and your girl made a life together…you were in love…things were good…and then she got pregnant…the man got nervous…the mother to be got nervous…suddenly attitudes change…the arguments start…and before the child is even here or shortly afterwards…the two sides have gone their separate ways…now to the boys that claim to be men that won’t step up and support their child without the system telling them to do so while you roll around on $6,000 rims and $5,000 paint job and your kid needs new clothes…Eventually the Child Support laws will catch up to you and you will be where you never wanted to be…Behind bars…To the mothers that have so much hate for the child’s father that you would put him on child support despite all that he does already just so you can show him that you still own him in some way and you will never be out of his life…SHAME ON YOU….to those fathers that continue to hold it down and play a significant part in your kids lives kuddos to you…But let me leave you with this…

    What since does it make to put a man on child support when you already doing bad…and he already does everything…he’s not there at night becaues you both decided that that was best….he is out there starting over because that is what you both decided was best…he calls…he comes by…he tries to get his child as many nights as he can (Not for You) but so that he can build that bond…He takes care of anything that you make him aware of and the things that he just simply wants to do…and yet you still look down your nose….call him a deadbeat…say he ain’t sh*t..and then throw Child Support on him…and you wonder why he stops caring as much with all of the hell you consistently bring into his life…

    Think about it…let it sink in…for those of you that had that and now all you get is child support…you got what you asked for…..

    For those that have never received anything beyond a sperm donor…my condolences…

    Just 2 cents from a father on C.S.

  50. Carolyn

    I’m approving this comment only because I think men who think like you need to be exposed. Men who think like you give the dads who hold out down for their children a bad name. And black kids don’t go on playdates? This might win the prize for the most ignorant comment this post has received.

  51. PAT

    Personally, I cringe when I hear woman say things like you just wrote out in this article. It seems there are assumption made that all men do not do their share and that moms are all “good” moms. I have 50/50 legal/physical joint custody, but in reality I have 85% physical custody. During her week of custody I have my kids after school everyday ( i work from home) and she doesn’t pick them up until 7:30-8:00 p.m every night. Just in time to put them to bed…because coincidentally i make them dinner too because by that time the kids are starved and i dont want them to go hungry. I have been there for every “first” in each of my childs lives. All their teachers and the principal know me by my first name because I am at their school so frequently. When I complain about child support she quickly throws up that its based on overnight stays. What a joke…the system is screwed up. She barely has to spend any money on groceries and the only time she truly has the kids are every other weekend (sat -sun). Aside from that the kids pretty much live with me. So…all moms are not good moms. For the most part here in the area where I live MOST dads are just like me. The days of deadbeat dads that do not participate in their childrens lives are mostly in the past. I would think twice before drawing conclusions based on old biases……..

  52. Carolyn

    Nowhere in this post did I make any such assumption. The post is clearly directed at men who complain about paying child support but who are otherwise uninvolved in their kids’ lives. If that’s not you, then this post isn’t meant for you.

  53. PAT

    You article starts out with “Dear men who complain about paying child support because she’s taking “your” money & spending it on “herself”:”

    That’s pretty general…not specific at all, and then goes on to berate men for the next half of the post with a condescending tone about “what else” besides paying child support do they do. Surely, you should not be surprised with the feedback. Your bias is crytal clear, and obvious.

  54. PAT

    Its the same bias that exists in the system, and the cause of the inbalance with father’s rights and mothers rights.

  55. Jeff Fecke

    I pay child support, and I usually have my daughter 5 or 6 nights a week, and help her with her homework, and have her stay over on the weekends (and in summer, a lot more), and I don’t complain about it, because I’m her father, and that’s my job.

  56. shannin

    Based on your response to my first post, I can see that you make several assumptions: 1. Condoms are always 100% effective and no unwanted babies have ever been born when one was worn. 2. A man doesn’t deserve a second chance at the life he has planned if he makes a mistake. 3. Adoption isn’t a good option for unplanned pregnancy. Better to force someone who isn’t ready than to find the baby parents who want a child. So… You seem kind of narrow-minded to me. A woman can choose adoption but a man gets no say, and you are completely unsympathetic to that fact. Life isn’t always as simple as you make it seem.

  57. unknown

    Everything said here all right n wrong each and everyone has their own opinion..my opinion is…the father should be paying child support because its his kids and he didn’t do the pull out method instead he jus let it in and then sweet talk to his woman then later in life he decides to go out n find someone else…as for the mother side I think it is alright to pay child supper also because its her kids that she gave birth to..but if the mom or dad is willing to move on and forget then why fight for custody when she/he heard about the paying child support case….I just don’t get it…
    So is it wrong to cut the connections between the father or mother with the kids if the father/mother wants the other side to pay child support because who know the story of their love life..they know it best they what they’ve did and done….Idk..its complicated….
    There’s a court coming up the mom is filing child support then the dad wants to fight for custody when he noticed that his ex wife is filing child support. The dad and his girlfriend are teamed up and just talking negatively about the mom and the kids..things theyve said are mostly lies and BULLSHIT..but yet they both are taking it to court.its been 2 years and no contacts from the dad and so now his girlfriend is giving him ideas and words to fight for custody and win the mom….can anyone see anything wrong here??? If the mom wins child support she doesn’t want the father to visit or see them because he and his girfriend had done many mean things to her and her kids..and since the father had left them for someone new he doesn’t to pay child support and purposely bring up that he wants custody…I mean he was the one who decided to start a new life new family with someone who is hot and slim and can give it to him easy and quickly so he decided to leave he’s the one has given up AMD yet him and his girlfriend is having a baby now but still big of them are still fight for custody….idg either….you left and now you heard somethings up and you want to win get real people like this….just my opinions and my shares.

  58. jaydee

    My wife left me and ran off with and anuther man and left me with 3 of our 4 kids she had our youngest she has never worked in her life and still doesnt. Anyway i the 3 childern i had living with me are the oldest 3 i payed for everything all though there lives food clothes school uniforms even all there collage fees not a penny from her in 20 years now thay have all left home with there partners and my ex wife wants maintenance for my 14 year old son that lives with her which i have to pay throw csa this is not fare after all i payed for the other 3 childern for 20 years the csa need to sort them self out .. In cases like mine .yes iam up for parants that have done nothing for there kids to pay csa but not in my case sort it out ….loving and devoted father

  59. rashay sager

    Well I have my child’s father on child support And he wants to cop an attitude with me because he is behind And he isn’t working, but keep in mind he chooses not to work so that’s my fault? The nerve of some men! When one job runs out go find something else to do, but he ain’t even trying. Paying is the least he could do ain’t like he helping do anything else in her life!

  60. Mike

    Hey! I’m a father of 4 kids and I have them 3 weekends of a month but its hard to do anything for them or barely feed them when they come over ! I make about 2000 a month and my ex’s get 1600 a month and that leaves me with about 400 a month and I have rent and a car to pay for and I need gas to get back and forth to work its hard to keep my head up when I feel like I can’t do things for my kids! It also hurts when I hear my kids get to go to zoos , movies , theme parks , and they ask me why can’t we go ! I don’t want to tell them I can’t because I have no money or I give all my money to your mothers so they can take you to do those things so we just set around and play in the house that I live at and I feel like I upset my room mates by having my kids over wishing I could afford my own place !! It’s hard for the dads that do care and want to be apart of there kids life !!! So please if you have any answers to what I should do please let me know ! HELP ME OUT!!!!

  61. Damian M Snellings

    Is that cool aid on the writers top teeth? Any how, this article was very one sided.
    I’m a father of three that has taken part in almost everything you mentioned and still ended up on child support. In my case I had a baby mother that replaced me the father with a new man. Not cause I was a bad dad but for her own pleasure regardless of what me and the kids felt. Now that Mr right got her pregnant with a fourth child and leaf her alone. So now she wants to ruin my happy marriage I had with my new wife even tho we have always been their for the kids by putting me on child support. Now I have this system out to take half of everything I make, and I lost my job now they take my dl, auto registration
    and freedom, and you telling me I shouldn’t complain? Now she makes just enuff to get by with rent, light, and clothing and i dont give a flying rats ass. She choose to be nasty so the way I see it, to hell with how hard she has it now. I wish that bitch would burn in hell after what she put our family through. I was never a deadbeat until this wicked child support system took every chance I had of being a father away. Now when children ask for something I can’t provide for them. So close ya damn mouth ya gums is showing

  62. Carolyn

    Mike, I truly feel for you. The only suggestion I can give you is to go to court and seek an equitable adjustment. Paying child support shouldn’t leave you without enough to meet your own needs. Good luck.

  63. Carolyn

    Sir. You are confused. This is not a news site. It is a personal blog. What I write are opinion pieces, not articles. And opinion pieces are by definition one-sided. As for your comment about the writer’s teeth – worry about your own dental hygiene, OK? And go comment somewhere else. Good bye.

  64. General Parker

    I can only assume, by your bias for mothers and against fathers, that you went through this situation and/or know someone close to you who has. You make a lot of assumptions and statements
    that are wrong or you are just misinformed. The most glaring one is that you are writing about child support not custody. These are inexplicably intertwined. Child custody/visitation is support. So much so, it is part of the same financial child support laws. It is also so important that the child support laws that award financial support, base it on the percentage of custody the noncustodial parent has. The closer to 50-50 amount of parenting time, the closer to zero paid in financial child support. Provided that both parents are close in income.

  65. Carolyn

    Sadly, it is your response, not my post, that is full of misinformation. I find it fascinating that you automatically assume I write out of personal animus or bias, as opposed to having an informed opinion based on knowledge and fact. I am blessed to possess both a law degree and personal experience with child custody and visitation matters, and you couldn’t be more wrong. Although the laws that govern child support and custody differ among all 50 states, it is a recognized principle in most states that custody and support are not “intertwined,” but separate matters. Visitation is most definitely NOT support, and isn’t treated as support by most courts.

  66. mommy2

    I have 2 sons with my boyfriend no there is no cs order we have worked this out as adults. At 6&4 our boys have not ever wanted for anything.We live seperately. He buys diapers,wipes,clothing,footwear,toys ,co-payments(kids on his ins) etc.I pay rent,utilites and foos.Oh did I mention the washer needed because he got tired of dragging soiled sheets/blankets to the Laundrymat. Now we hit a patch and he had a 1 night stand and condom supplied by her . Now she finds him they test and the 5 month old is his.Never knew she was pregnant and mail him dna results and want $700 a month.Not interested in how we worked it out.Either they become a fam and live under 1 roof or pay. So now he’s not gonna pay that much.We’re getting married and going for custody.For her it’s revenge us the children.I don’t want this lil girl growing up without this great and flawed human as a dad. Hell she’s the loser tested too many men.

  67. Michael Rodriguez

    seriously, i have my son one week and she has him the other week i have a room for him in my home and she does too, i pay child support and buy clothes, food, and diapers, i take him to his appointment and get his haircuts i have a savings account for just for him once he starts school
    i feel like i shouldnt be paying child support i spend alot of time with him and i already spend money for his needs, i love him and i do everything for him

  68. michael

    I am not a deadbeat dad. I quit a great job just to be with my kids. their mom and I split up and she moved them 300 miles away. I decided no job or amount of money was worth missing my children. my income is a third of what it used to be, but i am near my kids. i have to settle for crumbs of time with them. I now want joint custody, a visitation schedule, holiday schedule, with every other weekend , and 1 day during the week . oldest son’s schoolis 2 blocks away, daughters school is less than a mile, so no problem getting them to school. the problem is coming to agreement without paying thousands to lawers. mom is a controlling person. , has threatened to move again, etc. she tells me that i have to provide a seperate room for each child. this means moving to a bigger place, which i cannot afford at this time. is this indeed a ca. law custody law? I just want to be with my children, be a part of their lives. no abuse, mental problems, drug/alcohol abuse issues. i know she wants more time because that translates into more money for her. I’m heartbroken over this matter. help!

  69. joe

    I’m sorry but 90% of the people on here have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.
    When I was ordered to pay child support the state came after me for everything I had and even things I didn’t. I was working and going to school part-time. My order was for more money than I was making. Why, because I had made more money in the past then I was making currently so they based off of my last full time salary.
    They said that I was “Rich” because I owned 3 cars. Two of them I had sold years ago and the one I was currently driving was worth about $2000 dollars.
    I was accused of hiding money because somebody with the same name as me had a website and also had the same profession as me.
    I tried to get support but was met with a “Ransom” note. For the privilege of seeing my child I was to pay for his college, medical, dental, etc.
    I’m sorry unless you have been through it your self you don’t know what you’re talking about. So many people use the term deadbeat Dad. After what I’ve been through I can’t blame any father for wanting to run and hide. The system drives you away.


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