Dear men who complain about paying child support because she’s taking “your” money & spending it on “herself”:
Ask yourselves this: other than paying child support, what else are you doing for your kid?
How many times have you taken your kid to school and picked him up? Talked to his teachers about how he’s doing, socially & academically? How much homework do you help with? Do you know the names of his best friend, his best friends’ parents, the little girl he has a crush on, the kid he hates? How many playdates do you supervise every week? How many field trips have you chaperoned?
How many nights have you rushed home from work, exhausted, and then had to get dinner on the stove? Where are you when Johnny is asking a million questions while you’re trying to get him off to bed so you can take care of your own responsibilities, like paying the bills, or doing some laundry?
When was the last time you got to use the bathroom in peace, without having your child walk in on you? How many nights has your child gotten out of his bed and crawled into yours because he was having nightmares and couldn’t sleep?
How many doctors’ appointments have you taken him to? How many times have you left your job because he suddenly spiked a fever at school, or had an asthma attack and forgot his inhaler? How many nights have you spent with him in the pediatric ER because he fell, or started throwing up, or just didn’t look right and your instincts said, get him to a doctor right away?
Any system can be abused. Just as not all dads are deadbeats, some mothers are selfish and spend every dime that comes their way on themselves – whether on their appearance, their new man, or their drug habit. If that describes your situation, your child is in danger and you owe it to your child to alert the authorities. If you’re in a position to provide better care, you owe it to your child to seek custody.
The abusers exist, but they are not representative of most women who receive child support. I cringe when I hear comments like, “I pay for my kid and every time I see her, her hair and nails are tight.” If she works or has another source of income, what makes you think she’s spending “your” child support money on her hair and nails? Is she not supposed to be groomed? Would you prefer to see her with chipped nails and a raggedy weave, just so you know she’s not spending a dime of that support check on herself?
Courts split responsibility for taking care of the child’s financial needs between the parents according to income, per a predefined formula. In cases where the child’s father makes more than the mother, courts will expect him to carry the lion’s share of the financial burden. When she makes more money – as is increasingly the case with African-American couples – she bears most of the burden. And yet, even in those cases, men still complain about paying the tiny portion the court deems to be their fair share. They’ll say, “she makes enough to take care of the kids. She don’t need my money.” To the selfish bastards who think like that, I say – grow up.
A lot of men resent the fact that child support goes towards expenses like rent and utilities, as if a child doesn’t also need a safe, warm place to live. If a mother is spending $500 per month to take care of your child, and you contribute $200, that means she contributed $300. If she happens to also spend $200 on her hair, that does not necessarily mean she’s spending “your” $200 on her hair. It may mean that, thanks to your contribution, she has some income left over to treat herself to hair appointments. So? Who’s clocking what you do with the rest of your money that isn’t going towards child support? Oh. Once you pay child support, it’s not your money anymore. Let it go.
And men, unless you are a wealthy celebrity, please stop talking about celebrity child support awards. Men get shook when celebrities are hit with large child support orders. They argue the woman – no matter who she is, whether one night stand groupie or wife of many years – is a “gold digger” who “don’t need all that” to raise a child. You can look at it as a windfall or some kind of groupie Lotto all you want to, but if he didn’t want to pay, he should have used protection. By and large, celebrities pay their child support without complaint. When Diddy had an issue with his child support order, he didn’t go to the barber shop and trash his baby’s mom. He did what he was supposed to do – he went to court and asked for an equitable adjustment. If you feel like you’re paying more than your fair share, you can do the same.
Parenting is more than having the local child support office garnish your paycheck. If you’re not doing your share of the heavy lifting – if the only thing you contribute to your child’s life is that monthly or biweekly check – please shut the entire hell up about what the mother of your children “does” with that child support check.
December 4th, 2011
All of this! It turns my stomach. It also sickens me to hear everything you’ve written come out of the mouths of men’s mothers, sisters, significant others, and spouses.
December 4th, 2011
Most fathers can’t even get custody of their children.
December 4th, 2011
And how many of them try – instead of just assuming they’ll never get custody, so why bother?
December 4th, 2011
You make a good point. It’s not just men who say this, but women, too. When the celebrity support orders are publicized, often women complain the loudest. It all rests on a fundamental misunderstanding of what child support is intended to be used for.
December 4th, 2011
so true, I never received child support as a single parent so hats off to the women who do/did…
We didn’t get pregnant by ourselves….
December 4th, 2011
As a single father who pays child support…I totally agree with this.
The women who abuse the system are the exception and too often I hear men speak as if they’re the rule…
December 4th, 2011
This blog articulates so well the views of many single parents, particularly mothers. I am a family law attorney and while I try not to get emotionally involved, in such a high stress area it is inevitable. I cannot tell you how many fathers say similar things in court. It’s amazing that they cannot see beyond the monetary amount. Which compared to the every day life of raising a child on your own is minimal. Then the fathers who stop working to take themselves off “paper” so you can’t garnish their wages. As if suddenly if the court can’t garnish their wages the child doesn’t have a need anymore. And granted I’ve represented men as well so it’s not just women. Thank you thank you thank you for this!!!
December 4th, 2011
Andrea, you are quite welcome. It infuriates me when I hear men – and as Ms. Smart pointed out, women – saying these things. I don’t understand men who refuse to contribute even a token amount to the care of their children.
December 4th, 2011
It is understandable, but unfortunate, that when a relationship ends there is a “generosity deficit” between the two former partners. It’s immature but it’s real. What is inexcusable and unforgivable, however, is the willingness to let a child – YOUR CHILD – suffer because you have developed hard feelings toward a former lover. I don’t understand the thinking, or lack of thinking, that guides this behavior.
Fatherhood is the single most important thing in my life, easily eclipsing any professional accomplishments as well as my (still) very happy 29 year marriage. Not every man gets the chance to be a father. My brother would make a great father, but is likely never to get the opportunity. But too many men are given the privilege of fatherhood and fail (miserably) to live up to the (appropriately) high standard it requires. And in divorce children suddenly lose their identity as precious, fragile human beings and become game pieces on a toxic chessboard.
I am grateful that I have never had to confront the emotional shitstorm of divorce. I hope I never do. And I hope that I would have sufficient love in my heart to treat my former spouse with respect and compassion. But one thing that I know for sure, without any equivocation, the word “former” would never apply to my children or my relationship with them.
December 4th, 2011
I love your comment, Mark. I wish more fathers felt this way.
December 4th, 2011
AMEN! This piece was everything and more!
I’ve been fortunate enough to have an amicable and somewhat equitable co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, but every time I have to witness some grimy chatter on social networking sites I force myself to log off before I explode.
December 4th, 2011
I love this post! I think I may need to forward it to my ex not that it would stop any complaining :/
December 4th, 2011
Great post! Additionally, I would add that child support payments are not punishment. They are a contract. A custodial parent who is receiving payments is not “punishing” the other parent. Rather, they have simply entered into an arrangement that have been deemed the most beneficial to the children (or child). Too many men (and maybe a few women) think that their payments are a way for their ex to screw them and instead, should let go of their petty disputes and focus on what the child’s needs are.
December 4th, 2011
Thanks for articulating the plight of single parents and the complaining non-custodials who whine and moan about how “their” money should be spent. Like you said so eloquently, parenting is a 24/7 job with no holidays or comp time. It is not possible to take off your parenting responsibilities like a jacket – and there’s much more to taking care of Junior than just food, shelter and clothing. That too many “b*tch is taking MY money!” non-custodial dads simply don’t get that is mind-boggling.
December 4th, 2011
Very fair. You argue for personal agency for all involved and fairness.
December 5th, 2011
What about those Dad’s who not only complain about paying child support but have a hard time making their visitation days. Why is it okay for men to just walk away, wash their hands from their children and responsibilities and start a new life?
More importantly – why would they even want to?
I saw my ex- brother in law do it to my nephews. It was truly heartbreaking. Especially when he took his ‘new family’ to Disney and didn’t bring my nephews. He has never taken them anywhere outside of the county they live in.
What a pathetic excuse of a human being.
December 5th, 2011
I once told my ex that I wish my employer could pay me with child support dollars because no matter how small the amount, those dollars are able to stretch in amazing ways so that not only was I able to get my hair and nails done but I was also able to buy plane tickets & a whole house! Lol!
December 5th, 2011
Hilarious! I wish we all could get paid in child support dollars, then!
December 5th, 2011
This article hits home. My husband has a child from a previous marriage and we have a child. He sends his ex child support monthly. The money he sends is NOT court ordered. His ex doesn’t want or let him have contact/a stable relationship with his child. She just wants a check, which I think is wrong. In addition he pays money for his child directly (food, clothes, etc.) and it’s like that doesn’t exist…She is just worried about “her check”. The ex frequently refuses to let him care/see/talk to his daugther when he calls frequently, cries, and begs. Whenever the ex decides it’s okay their daugther will call or spend time with us (which is hardly ever). It’s her game and we are the “pawns”. When the daugther is with us she doesn’t want to go back to live with her mother, but according to the “courts” we don’t have a choice. His daugther’s mother doesn’t want his daugther to have a relationship with her dad, her brother, or me. It breaks my heart and seems immature! Then she tells him he is a bad dad and doesn’t support his child!!! That is crazy! He is a great guy…total family man. If it was up to my husband and me his daugther would live with us. We are concerned about the best interest of the child because she has always lived with her mother and we don’t think “taking her” is necessarliy best. However, we are worried because currently the mother is dating two men and one of them is in prison so when/if he gets out that will be a safety concern. ALso, the mother goes out to clubs and bars all the time and doesn’t spend much time with their daugther at all. However, she has a great job (she went to school for years while my husband worked to support her and their child) and the ex’s family has a lot of money. It is sad when people think the DAD is automatically in the wrong. It’s very expensive to support 2 children and to additionally hire an attorney to fight for your kid(s). Also, going to court can be a strain on the child. Sometimes it’s difficult to know what steps to take legally and when to try to “work it out”. My husband pleads with his ex to try and work together because we don’t think fighting is what’s best for his little girl. Child support and custody are very complex matters and I hate that people think the dad is always in the wrong. I know a lot of dad’s who support and care for their kids without a mother in the picture and the mother has taken them to court to get child support. I am tired of the generalizations among random people, mothers, judges, etc. against men saying they are “dead beat dads” when that isn’t the case at all.
December 5th, 2011
I’m glad that I personally know 3 men, who have custody of their children. If being responsible were a disease – I wish it would spread!
December 5th, 2011
I have been paying child support for seven years and have not missed a payment. I recently gained custody of my oldest son and when I asked the mother to return the support payments for the oldest so I can take care of him properly she wouldn’t do it. Now that I am suing her for child support she wants to talk. I don’t want to hear that men don’t care about their children. A lot of men do care but the system is prejudiced agaisnt men. The rules need to be changed and updated to reflect the times we live in.
December 5th, 2011
The only way to change the system is to participate in it. I don’t know quite what you mean about rules needing to change to reflect the times we live in. The notion that the system is biased against men may be true in some cases, but in your case, the system appears to be providing you the remedies you need. Now that you have custody of your oldest son, the proper next step in the process is to seek an adjustment of your support order, which you said you are doing. You don’t have to talk to the mother. Let the courts handle it.
December 5th, 2011
Amen.
December 5th, 2011
I specifically said in the post that not all men are deadbeat dads. People say the system is biased against men, without availing themselves of the relief offered by the courts. Your husband needs a formal child support order, which protects him as much as it does the mother. He should not just be handing his ex money, especially if he is not keeping records of what he pays to help support his child. Separately, your husband is entitled to visitation rights to his child. If his ex is denying him access, he should also go to court to seek a formal visitation order, or even, in this case, custody, especially if he has proof that his ex is being abusive or that his child is being raised in a dangerous environment. The child should not have to go to court unless the child is old enough to and wants to have a say in the matter. Child support and custody are two different things and at least in New York, are handled by different parts of the Family Court. I wish you and your husband the best in dealing with your situation.
December 6th, 2011
i am on the side of the fathers. when it comes to kids and fathers the mothers are always the good one and the dad is always the bad one according to the so-called justice system.when it comes to the law and fathers the fathers have no say in anything that goes on. and as far as child support goes. the state takes them away then they should fork over money to support them. they have a ton of money!!!!!! stop putting down dads!!!! if dads could support there kids i am sure they would but look at the economy no jobs out there!!!!!! get ti throuhg your heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 6th, 2011
Oh. So you’re on the side of the fathers who don’t pay child support and complain about “the system,” against mothers who take care of the kids’ physical, emotional and spiritual needs and just ask that fathers contribute what they are able? OK. Good for you.
December 6th, 2011
Child support is often uneven, the problem is not always money. It’s power and control, period. Bad mothers are harder to identify than bad dads. You could have a million playdates, have your hair done and still be a horrible parent.
The entire system needs yo be revamped, but it wont because men,don’t have a lobby and for some woman what is fair is what you can get.
Do the children need nikes and xboxes?
Do they benefit from see either parent scrape by?
No one really cares about the children, we only care about having the upper hand.
So you’ll hear gripes on both sides, you’ll see abuses on both sides…what you may not have noticed is that our children, families and communities have lost.
December 7th, 2011
In many ways, of all the comments I’ve read on this post, yours is the most troubling. I don’t believe for one second that “no one” cares about the children. The behavior of a fractional few – those who want Nikes and Xboxes instead of food and clothing – representative of the whole. I disagree and find that type of cynicism disappointing.
December 7th, 2011
My husband has custody of his 2 children and so does his step-brother. So more men today is getting custody.
December 10th, 2011
this article is extremely uncritical of women and very oversimplistic. There are many men who are fighting for their children and it has absolutely nothing to do with child support. Payments for support of children is often not the issue at all. I am also doing research on this very area because emotion would make the same argument as this article. However, there is another side.
There are men who fight for their children, never miss a child support payment and still have very limited access to their children. Some emotional women seek child support as a means of control over the situation with the children. They are so emotionally and socially bankrupt in relation to their ex-significant other, that the only way to “get even” is through the court. Realistically, many men would pay child support absent being drug through a system that is unforgiving of a horrible economy or low job prospects. Some women are as, if not more, shallow than the men you discuss in your article, but you never speak to them or even attempt to offer an even toned analysis of a very real issue. This article does a disservice to the ills of broken families, not to mention being wildly dishonest. Before these types of articles are written, a little research would be in order.
December 10th, 2011
This is an open letter to men not women. It is also focused on child support, not custody, which your comment recognizes to be distinct. I do not profess to be an expert, but I’m also not as uninformed as your comment seems to think I am. Since your comments are focused on custody and I am talking about child support, there is little more to say beyond thank you for reading.
December 10th, 2011
I’ve read and re-read some of the comments just to make sure I wasn’t missing something. While your article is about the child support piece of the puzzle (and it is a very complex puzzle), the whole (support, visitation and relationship) must be considered. Yes there is a set formula that they use. And yes the laws need to be revamped.
I don’t question how the money is spent because in the end my daughters are being cared for. The formula that you spoke of goes on the premise that if “we” were together this is what the child would be receiving from our combined income. However, at the end of the year, if “we” were together I would be able to reap some of the benefits by being able to use it when I filed my income taxes – which is not the case (I assume that’s what Mark is referring to).
Your article starts out dealing with visitation/relationship issues (essentially the first four paragraphs), thus those things have to be considered. The VA court system told me that my daughter’s mom could inform me what the doctor(s) had to say. Now while I no longer live in VA and haven’t for quite some time. I drive the hours (through the tolls), paying for gas, feeding and usually buying gift(s) so that my children know that daddy loves them. The courts say I have to make the entire trip both ways. I don’t get to claim any of those expenses either.
December 12th, 2011
I often encourage my to clients to have shared custody. With shared custody a parent may pay zero or minimal child support, depending on incomes, in NJ. Most important, they will have equal parenting time.
New Wives/husbands and/or girlfriends/boyfriends should let the parents resolve their issues themselves. Dont criticise the Ex. Two sides to a story. Your sweetheart may have been someone else’s monster.
There is no sum of money that can compensate the custodial parent to care for a child!
December 18th, 2011
Well, my husband and I do all of the above forhis daughter , her mother put him on CS because I took her to get a haircut, which by the way I paid for!! And she got many compliments from our family…he was paying $635@ month!!! And he still has to buy her clothing and other stuff!! While her mother is on welfare ,food stamps , section 8, only works a few months out of the year so she can claim unemployment and collect tax refund in January ….plus she had another daughter with someone else and has that man on Cs also….is ridiculous how some women could go to court and collect what ever money they want just because they dont want to work !!!!
December 18th, 2011
oh and I forgot to point out that this child was born out of wedlock and as the result of a one night stand !!!
December 18th, 2011
I applaud your husband for paying child support. The child didn’t ask to be here and didn’t choose her parents or the circumstances of her birth. Perhaps the child’s mom is trifling, but it sounds like your husband has embraced his daughter and his parental responsibilities, and I’m happy to hear that.
December 21st, 2011
He so has definitely !! I love the little girl to death !! But her mom is soooo difficult to dear with! She should be glad my hubby is the way he is….
December 21st, 2011
The mom should be thankful for both your husband and you too. She probably isn’t yet. But I believe she’ll see what a blessing you both are, in time. Thank you for sharing your story.