Respectful Cheating

Respectful cheating? Side eye of life for that one.

According to an article on Huffington Post, Shaquille O’Neal acknowledges in his new book “Shaq Uncut: My Story” that he cheated on ex- wife Shaunie, but says he did so “respectfully.”

Blink.

My first thought when I saw this story wasn’t “respectful cheating?” It was “Shaq has a published memoir?” (Let’s not even talk about that title, which is so wrong. Shaq uncut? Dude, I don’t need to know.) The fact that Shaq – the guy who infamously asked Kobe Bryant, “How’s my ass taste?” – has a book almost pisses me off more than this idiotic statement.

But unfortunately, I can’t credit (or blame) Shaq for originating respectful cheating. It’s one I’ve heard before. The logic, if you can call it that, goes something like this:

* It was just sex, not an affair.
* I never brought her (them) to our house or did it in our bed.
* You never had some chick calling the house.
* I brought the money home.
* She (they) meant nothing.
* Hey, I’m a guy.

Obviously “respectful cheating” is an oxymoron, and anyone who believes such a thing exists is just a moron. To be 100% clear: cheating is disrespectful by definition. There is no “respectful” way to cheat. The respectful thing would be admitting, hey, I’m a star basketball player, women are throwing it at me and I have every intention of catching it, so I’m not ready to be married. Trying to justify bad behavior by arguing it could have been worse is pathetic.

But of course, everyone seems to expect that cheating is a privilege afforded to pro athletes. I’ve heard it said – by women – that any woman who marries a pro athlete should understand sleeping around with hoochies goes with the territory, and if a basketball (or baseball, football, golf, tennis, NASCAR, etc.) wife thinks otherwise, she’s just delusional. There are plenty of women who say a woman’s a fool if she divorces a rich man “just” for cheating. Those women are ok as long as their guys aren’t recreating All-Star Weekend up in their house while they’re not at home.

To that, I say: do you. People stay married to men who cheat for all sorts of reasons, and not everyone goes all Carrie Underwood or Jazmine Sullivan on their cheating spouses. It’s not my place to judge the woman who stays. I don’t really buy the whole “cheating is a prerogative of pro athletes” theory, but then, I also don’t understand why pro athletes who fully intend to keep sleeping around bother to get married in the first place.

Maybe I’m making too much of this, because after all, if Shaq’s “respectful cheating” comment hadn’t been reported by Huffington Post, I wouldn’t have known about it. I have zero interest in Shaq’s memoir, and I’m sure I’m not alone. This guy went from Shaunie to Flavor Flav’s Hoopz. He’s not someone I’d turn to for dating, marriage and love advice. I assume anyone who buys Shaq’s book also owns works from luminaries such as Snooki, The Situation and Tyrese. Maybe Shaq wrote the book specifically to give his NBA on TNT studio co-hosts Kenny Anderson, Charles Barkley and Ernie Johnson joke fodder for whenever NBA broadcasts return.

If you’re ok with your man cheating as long as he’s not literally rubbing it in your face, that’s your choice. But if my man tried to tell me he was respectfully cheating on me, I’d ask him the same question Shaq asked Kobe as I sent his ass out the door.

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