This post originally appeared on the NYC Moms Blog (now Technorati.com) under the title, “On Al & Tipper and Knowing When to Quit.” In light of the panic that followed rumors of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s separation (as far as we know, they’re still together), the implosion of Arnold Schwarznegger’s marriage to Maria Shriver, and the intense scrutiny of Kim Kardashian’s brief made-for-TV-marriage, I felt this post was worth a repeat.
Al and Tipper Gore’s announcement of their separation after 40 years of marriage struck people in much the same way as celebrity death news. In many ways, it was a death — the death of a very public and what appeared to be a very happy marriage.
One common reaction was: “After 40 years, why bother? Why not stay together?”
We, of course, have no idea what may have happened to cause Al and Tipper to decide to part. While I hope we aren’t soon treated to a GQ spread of Al’s new plaything lolling in bed wearing Al’s shirt and her underwear, a la Rielle Hunter, or blurry photos of Tipper and a supposed boy toy, it’s really none of our business what went wrong in their marriage. Unless they decide to tell us, there’s no point speculating.
But to address the “why bother?” question, the answer is simple: Life.
No amount of years together should compel two people to remain married if they are no longer willing and able to do so. I know couples who are miserable together, who hang on simply because it’s been 10 years, 20 years, etc.
My parents stayed married for nearly 40 years, until my father’s death. From what I could tell, not one of those years was a happy one. In high school, I used to be jealous of kids whose parents divorced. I never stopped wishing mine had. To me, spending the rest of your life in misery with a person you can’t stand is the definition of hell on earth.
Whatever the reason, it is clear that Al and Tipper have decided they have gone as far as they can go together. Although some may consider anything other than “till death do you part” a failure, 40 years represents a serious commitment to the institution of marriage. Al and Tipper were together for nearly their entire adult lives. The decision to end their marriage after all this time was likely a difficult one to make.
However many years Al and Tipper have remaining on this earth, they deserve to live those years at peace. If they could no longer live together, then separating was the best thing for them. Undoubtedly, the Gores will remain part of each others’ lives in many meaningful ways, as parents and grandparents. I respect their decision to part, and wish each of them happiness and peace.
This is an original post to NYC Moms Blog.
November 16th, 2011
I agree, sometimes you have to know when to call it a wrap. Life is too short to stay with someone out of a sense of loyalty or duty, the other issue sometimes folks change or maybe even just fall out of love.
November 16th, 2011
Staying together after long years of marriage for the sake of “not being divorced” to me looks like sleeping in different rooms, not speaking to each other (amicably), living separate lives, and I don’t ever want to wear that look.
November 17th, 2011
Recently, I heard of two couples ending their relationships in divorce. The first, a wife (at the “young” age of 78) decided she could stand no more of her partner (a tad bit older at 85), withdrew $80k from their shared account and moved out with papers being served some 30 days later. The husband admitted he was a little “difficult at times” but never would have imagined things were this bad.
The second, a coworker of my ex who was in his late 60′s was served at work with papers after his wife decided she would rather be alone than to spend the rest of her years unhappy for the sake of putting on appearances and keeping “black love” alive.
Initially, I thought the same – you’re up there in age, been together for so long, what’s the point?
A few seconds later I realized it didn’t matter. If you’re not happy with a situation and see no other way around it, nothing to work out and the person can’t be changed – why be miserable.
End it and keep it pushing and hopefully, live the rest of your life in a better place.
Thanks for sharing.