I have deliberately stayed out of the Amber Cole fray. I didn’t see the now-infamous video of a 14-year-old girl performing oral sex on a boy while his friends watched and recorded the incident. As the mother of a 14-year-old girl, that video hit too close to home.
Contrary to popular current rhetoric, I am not claiming to be Amber Cole’s mother. But I did find out about Amber Cole from my own daughter. She saw the video on Facebook the day it was circulating on the Internet. As soon as I got home from work, she asked me if I’d seen it.
I hadn’t, but we had a healthy discussion about the video, what her peers were saying about it, and how she felt about it. It was a discussion in which neither of us pretended she doesn’t know what giving head is, or that she’d never seen video of someone doing it before. Nor did we pretend that fellatio is a such difficult act, a 14-year-old child of average intelligence couldn’t figure it out.
My conversation with my daughter about Amber Cole reassured me for the moment that she’s unlikely to be the next 14-year-old girl recorded sucking some guy’s d*ck while his friends watch and laugh. But now my concern turns to my son.
As the mother of both a teenage girl and a 10-year-old boy, I think as much about his burgeoning sexuality as hers. I see him noticing girls and women, blushing and acting ridiculous around them. For now, it’s cute. It’s sweet. It’s innocent.
But I’ve already told him it’s ok to look, but never touch a girl or woman without permission. He sees the way men on the street leer at his sister and me when we’re out. He hears the disgusting things boys say to my daughter as she passes. I use those boys and men as examples of what not to do, and tell him he must never speak to a woman on the street the way those boys and men speak to his sister and his mom.
For now, that’s enough. He’s ten. I’m pretty sure he didn’t see the Amber Cole video. I don’t think he knows what giving head is, but there’s no need for me to take our conversations about sex that far just yet. He still thinks we haven’t had “the talk.” He doesn’t realize we are having “the talk” when we talk about his attraction to girls. He doesn’t realize we are having “the talk” when I tell him he needs to put on deodorant and brush his teeth because girls don’t like smelling boy funk. My kids and I talk about sex and sexuality as part of our normal, everyday conversation because sexuality is a normal part of being human.
It’s often said, in criticism of single mothers, that women can’t raise men. My ex-husband chooses not to be involved in his kids’ lives, so I have no choice but to raise this boy to manhood by myself. I’m sure there are many things a man could teach him that I can’t. But learning to treat women with respect and dignity is a lesson that I, as a woman, am compelled to impart as he matures into manhood.
I recognize I have limited control over what kind of man my son will become. But I would be horrified if my son ever did to a girl what those boys did to Amber Cole. I would be disappointed if my son grew up thinking that treating a girl the way those boys treated Amber Cole is just one of those things boys do, because boys will be boys. I can’t control what type of man my son will become, but I can teach him about having respect for himself, and how that self-respect carries over into respect for others.
Boys will be boys? Maybe your boy. But if I have anything to do with it? Not mine.
November 2nd, 2011
Actually, a mother, I believe, is most critical in teaching her son respect of women. I’d like to relay a story, briefly.
As you know, I was a child preacher, but I was still a boy too, prone to all the pressures of being a teenager too. I was shootin’ the breeze with my heathen best friend one afternoon and during the course of the convo I said, “Yeah, man, women are cows.” I don’t remember the context, but I said it loud enough for my mom to hear me. She normally didn’t interrupt us and I would usually forget she was around. But this time she did. “What did you say?,” she said. “I said, “Women are cows.” (I knew better than to deflect with my mother or say “Nothing.” That was an automatic pop in the mouth.) She said, “Am I cow?” “No, you’re my mother.” “Then why are other women cows?,” she said. “I don’t know.” “Then why are any women cows?” “I don’t know.” “Then why did you say what you said, son?” “I don’t know.” “Then maybe you should think more before you say something like that,” she flatly said before she walked away.
I never forgot that, because it was THE first time I was ever given pause about how and why I spoke about women as I did. She reached me. If my father had heard me, I’m sure he wouldn’t have corrected me, even if he disagreed with me. (And I doubt he did as he believed he was the kingly patriarch of the family and we were all serfs. Or maybe my mom was Queen Serf.)
So it’s important to challenge your son as he isn’t likely to get it from many other men. I mean, I learned other “trappings” of respect from my father, like opening doors, giving up seats, how to address a woman, etc. But I learned real fundamental respect and thoughtfulness from my mom. So though I don’t believe a woman can “induct” a manchild into manhood, she sure is foundational to the process. (Ultimately, a man has to “induct” himself into the world of men. Even other men are only helpmates.)
Thanks for your post.
November 2nd, 2011
Nice, clearly written post Carolyn. I particularly agree with your efforts to have “the talk” with your children on an ongoing conversation rather than an event. That sort of approach builds a comfort level where your children feel (more) comfortable coming to you and/or asking questions during your ongoing conversations.
I also like Samuel’s comment regarding “fundamental respect and thoughtfulness” being taught by a woman.
November 2nd, 2011
As a single mother who raised two sons with minimal involvement from their father just as they hit adolescence, I can say you sound like you’re doing a fabulous job. My boys grew up with a great attitude towards women, and healthy self-respect. They are strong, grown men now, one with his own little daughters to raise. I can guarantee neither would have stood by and watched something like this happen.