Huffington Post published an article recently called, “6 Secrets to Staying Married Forever.” When I saw that tip #1 wasn’t “marry someone you want to stay married to forever,” I didn’t waste much time on the rest.
“Marry someone you want to stay married to for life” seems obvious, and perhaps that’s why the “6 Secrets” author didn’t address it. But it’s not nearly as obvious as it seems. Marrying the right person is the most important part of being married, but gets the least amount of attention.
Talking about what makes someone the right person to marry runs counter to our whole romantic fantasy of marriage. In the movies, the drama centers around the girl and the guy getting together. We don’t know what makes them right for each other, other than fate, great smiles, and good hair. They survive some contrived, convoluted conflict, and it all ends with the fairytale wedding, or at least an engagement.
In real life, after the wedding is where it all begins. I knew my own marriage was a mistake long before the “I do”s. Ours was a failed relationship before the marriage, but I was pregnant with our second child. I didn’t want to be “just a baby mama” anymore, so I bought my own ring, and he agreed on the date. I got married to avoid the stigma of single motherhood. The marriage was a mistake; the children were not.
When people asked me why we were finally getting married after six years of living together, I said, “I love him.” It’s what I wanted to believe, and it’s what I knew people expected to hear. In my heart, though, I knew love had little, if anything, to do with it. If you ask most people why they got married, they would also cite love. Yet it takes much more than love to make a marriage work. Even when you’re in love, you still need to ask the tough questions:
1. Why am I getting married?
2. What are my values? What are (his/her) values? Are they compatible?
3. Can I really see myself married to this person for the rest of my life?
Most people don’t ask themselves, or each other, these questions before the wedding. Often, you aren’t even aware of the real reasons you got married until you’re on the verge of divorce. Some people get married because they’ve been dating a person for several years, and have a lot of time invested in the relationship. Or they marry the person their parents want them to marry, without consulting their own feelings on the subject. People get married to have children, even though they’ve never discussed their ideas on parenting.
Some couples are able to commit themselves to a lasting and loving marriage, even if the marriage began without a clear sense of purpose. And trying to make sure you marry the “right” person isn’t failsafe. Marriages between seemingly compatible people can end in divorce.
My marriage and divorce taught me that I needed to understand my own values and beliefs in order to know what to look for – and what to avoid – in a partner. Once I did, it was easy to look back at my marriage and see all the ways my ex and I were wrong for each other. Our core values and beliefs weren’t aligned. Whether we loved each other or not, it wasn’t going to work.
Finding yourself married to the wrong person requires hard work and tough decisions. If the problems can’t be resolved through counseling, get out. You can look at “till death do us part” as physical death, or the death of the relationship. There’s no point in staying in a dead marriage. Divorce isn’t failure, it’s an opportunity to make a necessary life correction.
Being married for life starts with marrying someone who shares your values and beliefs, and requires an unwavering commitment to being and staying married. If you and your spouse have that, you probably can write your own list of tips for how to stay married forever.
November 1st, 2011
Wonderful Post! Thank you for sharing your own experiences in highlighting such an important life decision. Indeed some people do get married for the wrong reasons.
I think it’s time we focused more energy into our relationships instead of focusing on the “fairy tale” wedding. I like what you said here: “In real life, after the wedding is where it all begins.”
I also appreciate the fact that you focused on the importance of asking ourselves some tough questions to evaluate whether or not we’re making good decisions. Thank you
Grace & Peace,
November 1st, 2011
This is a great post Carolyn! It really bothers me that people don’t take marriage seriously. Everything is about the wedding, the dress, the food at the reception, what colors are the mothers going to wear, etc. Not enough emphasis is placed on the ever after. Like you said, “…after the wedding is where it all begins.”
I appreciate that you shared your story and even though you married for the wrong reason, at least you had a purpose, to be a family. It just wasn’t based on a good foundation, aligned values and beliefs, and a liking for one another. Love is beautiful, love is great, love is kind, but if you don’t LIKE someone, you will not want to be around them when the going gets tough. You can love someone from afar, but you need to like them to be stuck with them.
November 1st, 2011
As usual, on point. If not learning lessons, what else is the point?
November 12th, 2011
Carolyn wrote:
When I saw that tip #1 wasn’t “marry someone you want to stay married to forever,” I didn’t waste much time on the rest.
But even your proposed tip #1was woefully inadequate. What does “marry someone you want to stay married to forever” even mean? I would wager that most people who decide to marry do so with the intention of being married forever (your experience being somewhat exceptional). The real question should be “What qualities do I (and my intended betrothed) possess that will be conducive to a good long lasting marriage?” But even this doesn’t suffice. What does a good long lasting marriage even look like? Most of us don’t know. Do people have to be passionately in love to have a good marriage or is just liking your mate good enough? Do interests and values have to be in sync? We have to define what “good marriage” means, which will vary somewhat depending on who one talks to. I’m going to go out on a limb and give my definition of “good marriage”:
Good Marriage – A relationship between a man and a woman structured to provide an optimal environment in which to raise children.
By my definition, people don’t have to be “in love” or even “in like” to have a good marriage, but it really helps.
So, what does one do to prepare to have a good marriage? Here is my list:
1)Know thyself – This means being honest with yourself. It means taking stock of all of your qualities in determining whether you will make a good mate. Most people don’t do this. Most people want significantly more than they offer. This is a flawed strategy. Either offer more by improving your personal qualities, or expect less. In any event, a realistic assessment is required, and for black women, it often means NOT listening to your girlfriends who are probably in the same boat as you are and will be inclined to tell you what you want to hear rather than tell you what you need to hear to find a compatible mate. I’ve noticed that women generally and black women in particular don’t take constructive criticism well. It is basically the “You go girl” choir 24/7. Not good.
2)Don’t be promiscuous – It amazes me how many black women miss this one. Promiscuous sexual behavior gives men the home court advantage. Men really like promiscuous women; they just don’t want to marry them. A history of promiscuous behavior is negatively correlated with marriage. People with low sleep numbers are the most likely to marry and stay married.
3)Don’t involve yourself with promiscuous people – I know that women are attracted to men who other women find attractive, but how is that working out for y’all? Promiscuous men, given the sex ratio and the naturally promiscuous nature of men, are not going to suddenly become monogamous just because they married you. Screen those guys out from the beginning.
4)Do not have a baby out of wedlock – Having a baby out of wedlock automatically precludes a woman’s access to top tier men. Single moms can still get married, but they have to settle for less.
5)Have an inclusive social network – Have a few non-stereotypical interests. Be open to dating/marrying interracially (This is NOT to say Richard Banks’ proposed solution is viable for most black women. It is not. Black women would probably increase their probability of marriage by being open, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on finding a non-black mate.)
6)Be all you can be academically, but do NOT assume that academic achievement will increase your value in the sexual marketplace.
These six items are good for starters. I have another list that I would recommend to my daughter, if I had one (I have two sons).
Let’s review the original huffpo list (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/iris-krasnow/6-secrets-to-staying-marr_b_1029608.html):
1) Know That Happily-Ever-After Is A Myth
This makes sense. Marriage is hard work which may not lead to happiness, but it definitely has its rewards when executed properly.
2)Don’t compare your marriage to anyone else’s:
I’ll go along with that. Marriage differs for different people. Different groups of people experience marriage differently.
3)Hang out with outrageous girlfriends and boyfriends — with boundaries
This one is dumb. Sure, it’s cool to have outrageous girlfriends (assuming by “outrageous” they aren’t sexually promiscuous) but having male friends that flatter your ego is a prescription for disaster, especially for black women.
4) Take Separate Vacations
This one is debatable. If women get together for a vacation at a spa, where women predominate, then that’s probably ok. If men want to get together and go hunting, fishing, or camping (again, where men predominate), then that’s cool. But if the girls want to go to Jamaica, that’s not good. And if the guys want to go to….say…..Brazil, THAT’S REAL BAD!! Ditto for the Dominican Republic.
5)Remember to talk to each other, and to have sex
Talking and sex are important. You don’t have to talk during sex though.
6)Don’t try to win every fight
This is really important, especially for black women. I wholeheartedly agree with this. Women need to foster their feminine sides, not hone their aggressive masculine tendencies. Men like agreeable women.
November 13th, 2011
I’m not a big fan of blog posts masquerading as comments, but I’ve accepted yours. You make some good points and some really terrible ones. Good: your numbers 1 and 5. Knowing yourself and having an inclusive social network are important for living a full complete life, whether or not a woman wants to get married. The caution against promiscuity is an old chestnut that needs to die. Men don’t like promiscuous women, but men like women who enjoy sex. And women with sexual experience tend to deliver a more satisfying sexual performance. Neither party should be promiscuous in a relationship, but the lower the sleep number, the better? I can’t co-sign that one. It’s all individual choice. And your last comment: “Women need to foster their feminine sides, not hone their aggressive masculine tendencies. Men like agreeable women.” There is so much wrong with those two sentences, but I don’t have time to deconstruct them all. Perhaps a start would be to stop viewing aggression as masculine and agreeableness as feminine.
November 15th, 2011
Carolyn,
Is there a hard and fast distinction between blog posts and comments? My comment was long because you have raised a vitally important topic and I have quite a lot to say about it. I will try to be brief.
We blacks as a group have gotten the fundamentals with respect to relationships wrong. This is only partially our fault. Feminists have gotten male/female relationships completely wrong and since feminist opinion has been regnant since the early 70s, blacks have suffered the worse consequences of their misguided sexual liberation ideology. The following comment pretty much sums things up:
Perhaps a start would be to stop viewing aggression as masculine and agreeableness as feminine.
Yeah, that’s the ticket! Maybe men are just women with penises. Maybe there is no such thing as masculine or feminine. Perhaps they are both social constructs with no basis in biology. Men couldn’t possibly be more aggressive than women (hence the association of aggression with masculinity) and everyone knows women aren’t more agreeable than men (where did that chestnut come from?). Men and women are the same which is why promiscuity isn’t a big deal. Men aren’t more sexually driven than women and women don’t risk more in any sexual encounter. Everyone has a right to get their freak on anytime they feel the urge, damn the consequences. And if they practice safe sex, there couldn’t possibly be any negative consequences. A 70% OOW birth rate and an astronomical STD rate is obviously completely unrelated to blacks being more promiscuous than other groups. Hell naw! That couldn’t be.
If you as a HLS graduate have a religious devotion to the sexual revolution, imagine what the average black woman in the street experiencing. What is SHE thinking? Our 70% OOW birth rate is a direct product of our current sexual mores. Illegitimacy cuts across economic and racial lines (although education and whiteness are negatively correlated with illegitimacy). I’m trying to understand your line of reasoning here. It seems to me that the sexual revolution has been all downside for black people, especially black women. If not, please show me what the upside has been?
We have been educating people about sexual health and birth control for over forty years now, and the OOW rate and abortion rate has increased, not decreased with time. Shaming seemed to work quite well until the 1960s. Before the 1960s, we had a relatively low crime and OOW birth rate. How do you explain that?
January 15th, 2012
Carolyn wrote:
And women with sexual experience tend to deliver a more satisfying sexual performance.
Not necessarily. A sexually experienced woman could be really bad in bed. She may have picked up bad habits. It all depends on the quality of her experiences. And studies have shown that promiscuous women are less likely to achieve orgasm than less sexually experienced women. Promiscuity is a lose-lose proposition for women. It is an especially baneful choice for black women.