I’m a little mad at Christelyn Karazin, author and founder of the blog Beyond Black and White and the “No Wedding, No Womb” movement, for bringing the above clip from the show ‘Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers” to my attention. I’ll admit, I didn’t want the show this clip comes from. I don’t watch much television, and clips like this explain why. Life is way too short to spend it on this type of foolishness.
I don’t have words to explain the woman who jumped up to apologize to the brother in the pink shirt (“PSB”) on behalf of all black women. That was extra, but his response – to exclaim “You sexy!” in the middle of her attempt (lame as it was) to address him respectfully, and then to further reduce her to a mere sex object by putting his hand on her ass, was disgusting. Instead of turning to the audience and giving an oppressed black woman speech, she should have kicked him in the nuts. No? Just me?
And poor Paul Carrick Brunson! Brunson, otherwise known as The Modern Day Matchmaker, is the handsome brother in the suit trying in vain to maintain a semblance of dignity on set. It’s great to see him on a show like this, but not under such lowbrow circumstances.
The point of this post is not really to laugh at this clip, which I find too pathological to be funny. It’s to address a comment PSB makes in this clip. He says something along the lines of, “I work, I bring the money home, I don’t cheat on you” – as if doing those three things makes him a great catch and a good partner. I beg to differ.
Dear Pink Shirt Brother and Any Man Who Thinks Like Him: Here’s a newsflash. You are supposed to work. You are supposed to bring home your paycheck and help pay the household expenses. And this should go without saying, but – you are supposed to NOT cheat on your partner.
This is basic. This is the bare minimum. You don’t get credit for doing what you are supposed to do. What else are you bringing to the table?
There was a time when women were told to look the other way when their husbands were unfaithful, or even abusive, especially if he still brought the money home. My father was abusive and didn’t bring the money home, yet my mother stayed because she said her only other options were domestic work, or “day work,” as she called it, or welfare. She stayed, and resented my father because of it. Women like my mother preached independence to their daughters not because they were feminists, but because they understood the freedom that went along with having one’s own.
Just a few years ago, a neighbor stayed with me for a few days because her husband abused her when he drank. Her family outright told her she couldn’t come home if she left him, because he was, when sober, a good provider and good father who didn’t cheat on her. She got him to promise to stop drinking (yeah right), and went back home, assuring me, “It’ll be ok if he stops drinking, because he only hits me when he drinks.”
I haven’t spoken to her since then. I don’t know what happened. But I felt terrible for her that she felt she had no other choice.
Share your thoughts about this in the comments.
October 31st, 2011
I couldn’t make it through the clip. The fact that … yanno what? I’m not even going to go there.
It is not enough to bring the money home. Men know this, but they also know about male privilege and double standards and try to exploit them if they aren’t men of character. Shoot, if you talk to a man that believes a man’s commitment to his partner is ONLY bringing home the bacon, he would be loathe to agree that a woman’s role is ONLY keeping house, and as long as she did that she was free to do whatever else she pleased.
October 31st, 2011
Your neighbor is so sad. But you make an excellent point – doing all the basic stuff is something that should be expected, not something “extra”. No – you do not get a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to do. You get my support and love, but again, ain’t that what I am supposed to do?
As for the video – it is just another attempt to try and sensationalize the perceived divide between Black men and women. If the media isn’t trying to cast us as single, loveless, bitter harpies, they are trying to bait Black men into doing it for them. BOO, Dr. Drew, BOO!
October 31st, 2011
And basically, in many ways, people are taught that it is acceptable for men to behave irresponsibly when it comes to relationships and their personal home in general.
For example, I feel as if my entire life, from the personal to the public sphere, I’ve been prepped to expect for men to cheat. The messages of their visual nature to their high sex drive that many times can’t be contained, were ways telling me that inevitably all men will fail fidelity. So when one fails the message is to forgive and move on – because that’s just the way that they are.
However, when a man does not cheat, it is seen as a big freakin’ deal – its as if that man is going against his nature. So, yeah, such a man would find cause to shout from the rooftops that he was faithful and expect – and receive – applause for his accomplishment.
October 31st, 2011
I’m just going to go with this, from the bible, “A man who doesn’t work doesn’t eat”! That.is.all.
October 31st, 2011
I saw this clip and or references on several sites and figured that I’d give it a go, here… I made it (and I’m beign SO literal) 12 seconds in and I had to pause that. All I could say initially was “no, no, no, no…”
But y’all see that ridiculousity so I won’t go there.
Meantime, Chris Rock was so on point when he talked about how folks wnat you to give them cookies for the stuff they’re supposed to do. I don’t do that with the kids I work with so I definitely don’t do that with adults. Sir, be handling your business because it’s what grown people do and because it’s good for you. Don’t come over here thinking that’s going to win you brownie points.
We’ve let these less than acceptable individuals make it for so long that folks doing the bare minimum are feeling left out. Well, I hate it for ya bruh… I do.
November 2nd, 2011
Having not seen the entire show, I think I can possibly understand from where this guy was coming. He seemed to be making the point that he did all of those (basic) things a man should do in a relationship, but those things were not enough to the “Black woman.” Instead, the “Black women” that he had encountered was not satisfied with what he did, but other women were. If anyone saw the entire show, please correct me.
I also think you raise an interesting issue. It’s sort of like the issue with the single father. Most are amazed to see a man, not just Black men, being an active, caring single father because it is not often seen; however, others would say that is what should be expected from all men. If 90 of 100 men either don’t work, don’t bring home the money or cheat, then wouldn’t that make the 10 that did more special? Just a thought.
November 3rd, 2011
That’s an interesting perspective. Yes, men get frustrated when they see men who aren’t even doing the basics get “chosen” while men who step up to their basic responsibilities get no play. But the answer isn’t do less, or turn your back on all black women. I have no issues at all with interracial dating, but I don’t agree with anyone who criticizes an entire group because of the actions of a few. If Pink Shirt Brother was being overlooked both by women with low standards and by women with high ones, I can understand why he would be frustrated. But he was carrying around a massive chip on his shoulder, and that probably explains better than anything else why women may be rejecting him.