The Solution to the Single Black Woman Crisis

Note: The following post is satire. I am in no way making fun of same-sex marriage. I am poking a little gentle fun at the so-called black woman marriage crisis, but this post is neither intended to be taken seriously, nor to offend.

The marriage rate – or, I should say, the unmarried rate – among black single women has garnered attention befitting a crisis of epidemic proportions. Given the proliferation of books and articles on this topic, a casual observer might think “black women without husbands” ranks up there with the national debt and the unemployment rate as issues threatening our country’s growth and prosperity.

Scholars and intellectuals from sociologist and Harvard University Professor Dr. William Julius Wilson, to former U.S. Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, have analyzed this issue at length. To sum up the findings: pretty much everything wrong with black folks can be attributed to black women not getting married.

But who wants to marry women commonly characterized as angry, overweight, picky and generally undesirable? What are the solutions?

Single black women have been told (1) not to overlook the good blue collar brother, (2) to stop looking for Denzel, and (3) to act like a lady and think like a man. Others, including Stanford Law Professor R. Richard Banks in his book, “Is Marriage for White People?” suggest that black women should date and marry outside their race. (4)

Not surprisingly, all this advice has met with resistance from – yep, you guessed it – black women. While the arguments vary, they can be summed up thusly: “Mind your own damned business and stay out of ours!”

At the risk of unwanted backlash from angry black women, I humbly offer what seems to be the most obvious solution to the black woman marriage crisis.

As more and more states pass laws recognizing civil unions and same-sex marriages, the choice is clear.

Single black women who can’t find husbands to marry – should marry each other.

Thanks to a convenient loophole in the laws recognizing same-sex marriage, a couple need not actually be gay to be same-sex married. Single black women longing for their Big Fat Black Wedding should take advantage of this legislative oversight.

The advantages are numerous. Black women are graduating from college at twice the rate of black men. If these women marry each other, the resulting unions will have advantageous incomes and earning power. Black women couples who chose to reproduce through artificial insemination, will most likely choose black male sperm donors. Black women couples who choose to adopt also are more likely to adopt black children, thus reducing the number of black children in foster care. The economic impact of these unions will be quite favorable to the black community as a whole.

The Gay Marriage Solution To the Single Black Woman Crisis: Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I’m single by choice. I date, but I don’t want to be married. Why should I consider same sex marriage?

A: There is no such thing as a single black woman who is single by choice. If you are single, it’s because your standards are too high, or because no man wants you. You know you want to get married. So you might as well marry a woman.

Q. I’m in a healthy, committed relationship with a good black man, but we don’t want to get married right now. Can’t we just keep doing what works for us?

A: Remember that saying about cows giving away their milk for free? He’s just going to keep milking you dry until the next cow comes along. Good luck with that.

Q.: I’m a lesbian. Although none of this single black woman crisis thing appears to apply to me, can I participate in the getting married to a woman part?

A.: Sure. The more married black women, the better.

Q.: I’m willing to consider the solution, but my best girlfriend is white. Can I marry her?

A. You could, but the solution to reduce the number of single black women works best if black women marry each other.

Q: Women of all races are finding it more and more challenging to meet their educational and career goals, find suitable marriage partners, and raise families. Why is everyone focusing only on black women?

A. That’s a great question.

In conclusion, the next time you are sitting around with your girlfriend, lamenting the lack of strong black men worth marrying – stop.

Look into her eyes, and propose instead.

(1) Every Tyler Perry movie offers this advice. In fact, in Perry’s movies, the good, hard-working, blue-collar man is the antidote to the black professional woman’s poisonous mix of degrees, high income and too much self-esteem.

(2) The Denzel Principle: Why Black Women Can’t Find Good Black Men, Jimi Izrael (St. Martin’s Press, 2010)

(3) Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy and Commitment, Steve Harvey with Denene Millner (Amistad/Harper Collins 2009)

(4) Full disclosure: I was interviewed by Professor Banks for his book, “Is Marriage for White People?”

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